Can't We All Just Get Along?

They were the finest talents in our Party, and they smashed each other like bright-red ripe tomatoes. They spent a fortune shredding their own proud red reputations and rosy red careers. Red hearts were broken. Red relationships were shattered.

I'm Ellabeth and I'm here to help. Tell me what hurts, and I’ll make it better. Tell me your doubts and your fears, and I’ll help you face up to them. Tell me who put that knife in your back, and I’ll hug you until the bleeding stops.

You ask, I’ll answer. You cry, and I’ll cry with you. I might not be the most famous political-relationship counselor in the world, but at 6.3 tons I’m the biggest. Pour out your troubles and I’ll absorb them like a huuuge leathery sponge with tusks. Write to me. Sending that note is your first step on the long road to healing.

Random Recent Cries For Help

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Trump Claims Rigging Is Rigged

Jonathan Q. whines: Donald Trump caused a riot at his rally in Pittsburgh yesterday when he screamed that the ceiling rigging that held up the lights, climate control ducts and loudspeakers was rigged against him. “That rigging is trying to kill me,” he shouted at us, “that rigging is rigged to keep me from becoming president. I’ll bet the architect is a Democrat, and the guy who runs the building too. Any second now that rigging is going to fall and crush us all.”

I have been a lifelong Republican voter and donor, but I designed the rigging and believe me I was the first guy out the door. Later that night my car was trashed and my house was burned to the ground. (more…)

New Debate Rules Announced

The Wall Street J. reports: We have just printed this story:

Fearing a threatened boycott by Donald Trump, the Presidential Debate Commission announced new rules that it said were the product of a “bi-partisan-bi-polar” negotiation in the sense that Mr. Trump viciously disagreed with each of his own demands as soon as he made them known.

“It was scary,” the Commission Chair reported. “He would bang the table and order us to adopt a rule, and then as soon as we did, he would run to the other side of the table and bang some more and shout that the rule was being rigged against him.”

“Every rule he suggested we adopted,” the recording secretary muttered, “and then he vetoed every one.” (more…)

Youth Can’t Locate Megyn’s Wherever

Eli G. Inquires: There’s no TV in the house but Mother let me watch God’s Own Party debate next door and later I heard that the noisy man said that the lady reporter had blood coming out of her eyes and blood coming out of her wherever and ever since then I’ve been mighty confused and awful tingly down there and I don’t know why. Mother slaps me every time I ask her, and Father two times went for the belt.

I didn’t see any bloody eyes and I didn’t know where to look for the other blood — but now I think I do know where to look and I can’t stop tingling.

What’s wrong with me and is the devil involved and how can I get fixed? (more…)

Global Warming Hurts Only Me

Donald T. complains: Global warming is a total hoax — but somehow Hillary rigged it to hurt me personally. At my golf course in Ireland I need to put down a 200,000 ton wall of rock, to ward off all the erosion that my own experts that I hired say will hit me when climate change makes the sea rise. We know worldwide global warming doesn’t exist, so how is Hillary making the sea rise on my beach and nowhere else?

Come to think of it, she must be a witch — I said witch — and doesn’t that disqualify her from holding office in America?

Ellabeth responds: Considering her survival in the face of decades of attack, Hillary might very well be a witch, but unfortunately that’s not a disqualifying condition. (more…)

NRC Must Sue The Losers

Donald T. Asks: Why aren’t the wimps who run the Republican National Committee suing those deadbeat candidates who won’t honor their pledge to endorse me? The RNC made us all sign the pledge, so it’s the RNC’s job to enforce the damn thing.

Sure, I said one of the candidates had the face of a Martian; and I sold another guy’s children into slavery… but those are standard business practices for a New Yorker. (more…)

Pay Wholesale For Votes

Jeb B. Ponders: I’m young and hopeful, and I’m planning my next run for president. I needed 1,237 delegate votes to win the nomination, but got only four. I budgeted $121,261 per vote — that seemed reasonable — but spent $37,500,000 per vote instead. Do you think my backers like me enough to spend more money in 2020 than they did in 2016?

Ellabeth replies: Your confidence will be crushed if you keep marketing yourself retail. (more…)

Soldier’s Dilemma Solved

A Soldier Pleads: I’m anxious because Donald Trump says he might order me to kill families and torture prisoners. I served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, was wounded both times, and I’m deploying again in a month. I can deal with my dreams; but I don’t want to commit war crimes like killing wives and little children. What can I do to solve my moral dilemma?

Ellabeth Replies: You have absolutely no need to worry. First, Mr. Trump did not personally sign the Geneva Convention, so he isn’t bound by it.  (more…)

Angry GOP Bats Seek Blood

A Bat Inquires: Members of the American Bat Society feel hurt and devalued by Senator Lyndsay Graham’s claim that the Republican Party  —  by embracing Donald Trump —  had “gone batshit crazy.” The ABS, and our immortal founder Vlad The Impaler, have been staunch nocturnal GOP supporters for decades, and Mr. Trump is one of the most like-minded human bloodsuckers we know. (more…)

Why Didn’t God Help Me Win?

Ted C. Moans: I put all of my heart and soul and most of my credibility into the race for president and I was supposed to be the standard-bearing champion of the Evangelical community. Why did God let the Evangelicals desert me and go over to that womanizing nickname monster? Why did God tell me to run for president if God didn’t want me to win?

Ellabeth Responds: God told hundreds of potential Republican candidates to run. Only eighteen of you took the bait.

Melania Envies Gold Star Mom

Melania T. laments: I am sooo jealous of the Muslim mother of that soldier who died while not being captured in Iraq. That mother’s husband didn’t make her say anything at all. Or maybe they couldn’t find her a Michelle speech that would fit nice with a little stitch or snip here or there. I don’t like making speeches because I’m a private person, if you don’t count all those magazine photographs that my husband collected before our wedding and looks at twice a week. My husband promises that when he is president I won’t have to talk outside the house, which I am wishing is true, but I don’t trust him, do you? He also promised not to hug me in public, and that was a big lie.

Ellabeth commiserates: It was indeed unfair that you had to make an exhaustively long speech, unlike that Muslim woman who was muzzled by her know-it-all husband and her suspiciously-timed broken heart. (more…)